Bach flower remedies for people who seem fine - but aren’t

Some people find it easy to tell others when they’re struggling. For other people, “I’m fine” is almost an automatic response.

They’re often the ones who seem cheerful, capable and positive. They make other people laugh, keep the peace and get on with whatever needs to be done. They might be the person everyone else turns to when they need support.

From the outside, they seem absolutely fine. But underneath, they may be dealing with worry, sadness, exhaustion or a mind that simply won’t stop.

I see this quite often through my work as a Bach flower practitioner. Someone will initially tell me they’re fine, or that there isn’t really anything seriously wrong. But as we talk, it becomes clear that they’ve been carrying a lot, often for quite some time. They just haven’t felt able to say it out loud.

Sometimes they don’t want to worry other people. Sometimes they feel they should be able to cope. And sometimes they’ve become so used to pushing their feelings down that they’re not entirely sure what they feel anymore.

Agrimony is the Bach flower remedy we most closely associate with hiding worries behind a smile. However, there are several other remedies that may be relevant, depending on what is really sitting beneath that “I’m fine”.

Agrimony: hiding your worries behind a smile

Agrimony is for the person who appears cheerful and carefree, even when they’re struggling inside.

You may be known as the fun one. The easy-going one. The person who makes a joke when things become uncomfortable or changes the subject when the conversation gets a bit too close to how you’re really feeling.

Agrimony types don’t usually want other people to see that they’re worried or upset. They may feel uncomfortable being vulnerable, or worry that talking about their feelings will burden someone else. They would much rather put on a smile and keep the atmosphere light.

They also tend to dislike confrontation. If there is tension in a room, they’re often the person trying to smooth things over and make everyone happy again. They might agree that everything is fine simply because the alternative feels too uncomfortable.

The difficult feelings are still there, though. They often become more noticeable when there’s nothing else going on. You might find that you’re constantly keeping busy, making plans, scrolling through your phone or watching television because you don’t like being left alone with your thoughts.

Agrimony could be helpful if you recognise that you:

• Hide your worries behind humour or a smile
• Always tell people you’re fine
• Make light of things that are actually upsetting you
• Avoid difficult conversations
• Hate arguments and want everyone to get along
• Keep busy so that you don’t have to think
• Feel much more troubled inside than you appear on the outside
• Use alcohol, food or drugs to distract you from your emotions

The positive potential of Agrimony isn’t to become serious or lose your sense of humour. It’s being able to laugh at your problems but deal with them too. You can still be cheerful and positive, while also being honest with yourself and other people when something isn’t right.

Oak: the person who never stops

Oak can look similar from the outside, but the feelings behind it are slightly different.

Oak is for strong, dependable people who keep going, regardless of how tired or overwhelmed they feel. They may not be deliberately hiding their emotions. They simply don’t feel that stopping is an option.

This is the person who thinks, “Everyone is relying on me. I just need to get on with it.”

They will continue working, parenting, caring for other people and dealing with their responsibilities even when they have very little left to give. They rarely complain and often find it difficult to ask for help. Other people may have no idea that they’re struggling because they continue doing everything they normally do.

If you’re in an Oak state, you may know that you’re exhausted, but still find yourself pushing through. Even when you get a chance to rest, you might struggle to take it because there is always something else you could be doing.

Oak is about recognising that you don’t need to prove your strength by running yourself into the ground. Resting doesn’t mean giving up. Accepting support doesn’t make you less capable.

Elm: when the person who usually copes feels overwhelmed

Elm is one of the Bach flower remedies I often recommend when someone says, “I can normally manage, but suddenly everything feels too much.”

This is usually a temporary feeling. You’re generally capable and confident in what you do, but perhaps several things have happened at once. Work has become busier, family responsibilities have increased, someone needs extra support or there are simply too many decisions to make.

You may still appear as though you’re coping. You’re still getting through your to-do list and making sure everything happens. But underneath, you’re wondering how much longer you can hold it all together.

Elm is different from Oak. Oak keeps pushing on through exhaustion because they feel they must. Elm is more about briefly losing confidence in your ability to manage the amount being asked of you.

It may be relevant if you feel as though there are too many people depending on you, too many things that need your attention and not enough of you to go around. Too much pressure and too much responsibility being held.

Elm helps us regain perspective. It allows us to see that we don’t have to deal with everything at once, and that feeling overwhelmed doesn’t mean we’re incapable.

Centaury: putting your own needs last

For some people, saying they’re fine is a way of making sure they don’t inconvenience anyone else.

Centaury is for kind, helpful people who find it difficult to say no. You might agree to help even though you’re already exhausted. You may go along with someone else’s plans because you don’t want to disappoint them, or say that something doesn’t bother you when it actually does.

This isn’t because you don’t have an opinion or needs of your own. You may just be so used to putting everyone else first that expressing what you want feels uncomfortable or even selfish.

Over time, this can lead to tiredness, frustration and resentment. But rather than telling anyone, a Centaury person will often continue helping and insist that everything is fine.

If this is you, it might be helpful to notice how often your “yes” is genuine. Are you agreeing because you want to, or because you’re worried about what will happen if you say no?

The positive potential of Centaury is still being caring and generous, but with stronger boundaries. You can support other people without always putting yourself at the bottom of the list.

Pine: feeling guilty for struggling

Pine is for guilt and self-blame.

You may find yourself thinking that you shouldn’t feel the way you do. Perhaps other people have bigger problems. Perhaps you have things in your life that you feel you should be grateful for. You might believe you should be coping better or that asking for support would be self-indulgent.

As a result, you say you’re fine because you don’t feel entitled to say otherwise.

People who need Pine can be incredibly hard on themselves. They focus on what they believe they’ve done wrong, apologise when they don’t need to and take responsibility for situations that aren’t entirely their fault.

You might offer kindness and understanding to everyone else but find it almost impossible to extend that same compassion to yourself.

Pine helps you look at yourself more fairly. It doesn’t mean avoiding responsibility when you’ve made a mistake. It means accepting that you’re human and that having needs, difficult emotions or moments when you don’t cope perfectly is nothing to feel guilty about.

White Chestnut: looking calm while your mind is racing

You can appear completely calm on the outside while your mind is having a very different experience.

White Chestnut is for repetitive thoughts and mental chatter. You might replay a conversation from earlier, analyse something you said, wonder what somebody meant or run through everything that could happen tomorrow.

Nobody else can see any of this. You may be sitting quietly, carrying on a conversation or lying in bed while internally your thoughts are going around and around.

White Chestnut could be useful if you find yourself:

• Replaying conversations repeatedly
• Imagining worst-case scenarios
• Rehearsing what you will say
• Questioning decisions you’ve already made
• Struggling to concentrate because your thoughts keep interrupting
• Feeling tired but unable to switch your mind off

White Chestnut is chosen for the repetitive nature of the thoughts. Other remedies may be added to address what you are thinking about. For example, Pine might be relevant if the thoughts are driven by guilt, while Red Chestnut may be considered if you are repeatedly worrying about someone you love.

Walnut: trying to seem fine during a big change

Sometimes “I’m fine” means, “I’m still finding my way through this.”

Walnut is the remedy for change and transition. It can be considered during times such as moving home, starting a new job, becoming a parent, going through a separation, experiencing menopause or entering any new stage of life.

Even when a change is positive or something you chose, it can still feel unsettling. Other people may assume you’re fine because you wanted it to happen. You might assume that too and feel confused by the emotions that have come with it.

Walnut supports us as we adjust to a new situation. It can also be helpful when other people have lots of opinions about what we should be doing and we need to listen to our own judgement.

What does “I’m fine” actually mean for you?

There can be many different emotions sitting beneath the same two words.

For one person, “I’m fine” means, “I don’t want anyone to know that I’m hurting.”

For another, it means, “Everyone relies on me, so I have to keep going.”

It might mean, “I don’t want to disappoint anyone,” “I shouldn’t be struggling” or “I look calm, but my mind hasn’t stopped all day.”

This is why Bach flower remedies are chosen for the individual. Two people can be going through an almost identical situation but need completely different remedies because of how they are responding emotionally.

A simple way to begin is to ask yourself what you’re afraid might happen if you admitted you weren’t fine.

Would you feel exposed? Would you worry about burdening someone? Would you feel guilty? Are you frightened that everything would fall apart if you stopped coping for a moment?

Your answer may tell you far more than the words “I’m fine” ever could.

You may recognise yourself in several of the remedies above. That is completely normal. Emotions overlap, and most people have more than one thing going on at a time. A personalised Bach flower remedy can include up to seven different remedies, chosen to reflect the different aspects of how you’re feeling right now.

Choosing your Bach flower remedies gives you an opportunity to pause and think about what is happening beneath the surface. Not what other people see. Not what you think you should feel. Just what is honestly there.

You can create your own personalised remedy by choosing up to seven Bach flower remedies. If you’re not sure which ones are right for you, my online quiz can help you narrow them down. For more individual support, you can also book a personal consultation with me and we can explore how you’re feeling together.